Moderately rainy days in a somewhat flawed mind

(13/04/08)

Sometimes you can live your own life asleep, just going from one place to another, completely asleep, completely unconscious. Sometimes something will wake you for a second, like a piece of art or some natural beauty. Most people live for their holiday every year because it's when they start to feel alive, it takes them away from their daily grind, the things that they can do & do do with their eyes closed. The holiday feels like the most incredible thing ever, because they're suddenly a new person, the only baggage they're carrying is the stuff they pick off the airport carousel, and they can be who they want to be. They live for every minute, they eat, drink & laugh with abandon & when it's over they dread going back to their unconscious lives. But when they get home they fall back into unconsciousness again, so it doesn't matter, they don't understand WHY it's different.

I was asleep for the best part of 28 years, I spent my whole life being paranoid about what people thought of me, and so identified with my ego, so scared of being hurt I developed elaborate coping mechanisms that I thought would get me through life, became so dependent on people or things and was deeply entrenched in egoic behaviour. Only now do I now realise that.

Awakening can bring with it as many "problems' as it solves, but you really start to appreciate things as they really are. If people were just honest with each other & just communicated honestly there would be less anger, resentment & game playing in the world. I need to be really honest with somebody I really care about. And I'm scared, I'm really scared. But it's not as scary as not being honest.

Becoming philosophical can create problems. All my life I dreamed of meeting a prince who could whisk me away from everything & take care of me. I now know I don't actually want that. Are childhood fairy tales to blame for that? What are relationships, really? Aren't they just two co-dependant people hoping the other one will solve all their problems for them? What is love? Is it just obsession? But despite wondering these things I still believe in conscious honest relationships. However I believe nobody but yourself can make you truely happy & other people can only enrich that happiness you've achieved alone. I definitely believe in love though. Definitely. And I've had some amazingly philosophical conversations this week with someone who comes across as the most embittered person sometimes, he's never had a girlfriend, and doesn't want one, doesn't ever want a romantic relationship. Even he wants other people to have them & believes they can make other people happy/happier. I hope for his sake he one day changes his mind & opens his heart. Other people are amazing.

This has been inspired by me watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. This quote jumped out at me as absolutely beautiful: "I'm high maintenance so I'm not going to tiptoe around your marriage or whatever you've got going on there...if you wanna be with me you're with me...too many guys think I'm a concept, or, I complete them or I'm gonna make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind, don't assign me yours"

The first time I watched this movie I was unconscious. I didn't concentrate. I spent the whole time entrenched in my ego, thinking how my ex-boyfriend, who I was watching it with, would not need his memory wiped when we split as he wasn't emotionally attached to our relationship. I now realise that was purely my ego talking, and not accurate at all.

This time I was conscious. It is a breathtaking film. I would recommend everyone to go out & watch it right now, even if you've seen it before. And stay conscious. And then tell all the people you love that you love them, including their faults. Especially their faults. Just accept them. And make sure they know.