Embracing Zen

(today!)

Well hello there.

For the past few months I've been feeling like I really needed to detox my mind, body & spirit, but am generally not in one place for long enough, let alone have enough time & space to dedicate to this, as I'm always staying with friends or family, where it's rude to just shut yourself away, or in a hostel, where it's damn impossible & everyone is up partying!

I had my reiki I attunation just over 3 weeks ago, and since then my body seems to have gone on a massive healing journey, and I feel a lot more sensitive - to foods, medicines, moods, auras, everything really. As a result I've been drawn to eating really healthily again, I've hardly drunk any alcohol (especially considering my old partying ways of January-March) & have been getting plenty of fresh air & exercise.

It has felt great, and I have addressed quite a few of my issues and had quite a few realisations, but I've come across a big one. I am STILL listening to my mind/ego chatter. A lot. Over the last week or so particularly this ego chatter has got more & more negative (it's been particularly triggered by a couple of people's attitudes towards me, but if I wasn't listening to it then that would've been water off a duck's back like usual)

It's been something I've been meaning to look into for a while now, but I've only discovered in the last few weeks the purpose of meditation - to learn to quieten the mind. So I'm here in Toronto, and I discover that the Zen Buddhist temple is running a beginner's introduction to Zen & meditation - this very weekend. So I show up to register & discuss, it sounds perfect, and the monk who runs the Temple invites me to stay in the temple instead of my hostel (which was full this weekend anyway, I was needing new accomodation!). He shows me around, and gives me a gorgeous apartment, all to myself (nicknamed the Penthouse!), for the measly sum of $200 a week! (just over a hundred pounds). Not only do I have this big inspiring space all to myself, I have a double bed (luxury!) & the fire escape doubles as a little balcony from which I can sit & see the whole city lit up at night (a perfect view of the CNN tower!) & black squirrels come & play on it in the day! The power of synchronicity & the universe have outdone themselves this time :)

The night before I moved into the temple I did a couple of zen tarot card readings. The crux of them was that I'm about to go through a massive emotional journey but it'll help with everything, esp my creativity. I emailed a friend to tell her all about this & told her "I'll get ready to expose my soul to myself & batten down the hatches for a week. I should be really scared about the rollercoaster I really feel I'm on the brink of, but I'm just excited about how I'll come out the other side..."

Well after one day I'm finding it REALLY difficult. I think I'm in a healing crisis at the moment. I'm very very tired, emotional & feeling negative (the negativity especially is not like me). However, I'm doing my best to embrace these emotions, accept them, and keep going. I feel like I'm being judged here at the temple too, for being so western, which is ridiculous as that's so "un-zen" - it's me projecting my views & expectations onto the others I imagine. However, the monk is a little unhelpful, but he's like that with everyone.

I was woken at 6.30 this morning (and they gave me a lie-in - everyone else rose at 5!), right now it's 10.30am & I'm tired & lethargic, tearful & emotional. Still, I guess that proves it's working! I'm going to try not to be to hard on myself, read lots, go on some long walks, try & make myself laugh & smile a fair bit, drink a lot of water, and take it easy. After all, it's best that I'm feeling like this, if I felt fantastic then I wouldn't feel the effects of starting this meditation practice so much would I?! :-)