Mi gusta El Barrio!!!

I just tried to change my hometown on my facebook profile to reflect the fact I live in Harlem NY now. I've been hanging out with some ace chicks over the last few days & over a couple of drinks last night they told me I don't live in Spanish Harlem, I live in Spaha! How ace is that?! But goddamn facebook (i refuse to capitalise it as I'm annoyed with it right now) won't let me have 'Spaha' as my hometown as it has to match up to the database. Stop trying to define me you crappy application!!!!! Ok... rant over. (It's ace here in Spaha btw, it's culturally diverse, full of interesting characters & just the right side of edgy, I LOVE IT!!!)

Mancrushing

Annette Corns. She was my first.

I'm not talking about anything sordid here. Think back to when you were a small child, when you used to look at the big kids with real adoration, sometimes even follow one particular favourite around, much to their annoyance. They seemed like the coolest person you've ever laid your eyes on, you wanted to dress like them, act like them, hell you wanted to BE them.

It's funny how as we grow older and we learn about the adult world we find out that's it not appropriate to act like that anymore and how it's 'a bit weird' to have those kind of feelings about someone. So, during our teenage years, when we've already got enough going on with our bodies changing & all those crazy hormones surging through our veins, we start to learn what is & isn't socially acceptable from those people around us. But secretly most of us still find a few people super cool, just like we did before, and they may even become our friends, or even our girlfriend or boyfriend, and we can't quite believe how lucky we are.

What I like about children feeling this way about others is this adoration happens before they have any of the adolescent stirrings of sexuality, so it's pure unadulterated love. I think that's pretty cool. And I have news for you - I still have them. They're not quite the same as they were when I was a child - I don't want to copy them or be like them anymore, and I have different boxes I need ticking now, I like to be able to talk to them about art, style, spirituality, philosophy, or even just banter, but I definitely still have them. When I meet someone new & I feel a real connection to them it takes me a while to work out whether I fancy them, or whether it's just this platonic kind of love.

I was discussing this idea with a (straight) male friend last night & I said to him "surely you've had a mancrush, right?" A mancrush - when a straight male loves another guy so much it almost feels like you fancy them, but you don't want to do any of the sexy stuff. So I've adopted it as a new phrase, to refer to this platonic adoration, and I kind of like it. And I LOVE the fact that it can refer to men OR women even though it contains a gender specific reference. I have a few mancrushes at the moment, and these people inspire me to be creative every time I interact with them, pretty much, which can be very intense! I definitely prefer the phrase mancrush to muse too.

One of the main missions of my writing is to talk about the things that people don't really talk about but they should. This topic reminds me of one of De La Vega's awesome statements: "We have so much to unlearn here". I'm determined to get the phrase mancrush out there, we ALL have them. :-D

The Two Wolves

An old Navajo told his grandson that sometimes he feels there is a fight going on inside him. He said it is a fight between two wolves: One wolf is evil. It is the wolf of anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority, fear of healing my body and mind, fear of succeeding, fear of exploring what has been said by others to be truth, fear of walking in other's moccasins and seeing glimpses of their reality through their eyes and their hearts, using empty excuses that my heart knows to be false. The other wolf is good. It is the wolf of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, caring for those who have helped me even though their efforts have not always been perfect, the willingness to forgive myself and others, and realizing that my destiny is in my hands.

The grandson thought about it and asked: "But grandfather, which wolf wins?" His grandfather replied: "the wolf that I choose to feed"

The path to enlightenment...

An excerpt from my lonely planet guidebook:

"Irascible Torontonian character Reg Hartt has ads wrapped around telephone poles advertising his Cineforum - the front room of his skuzzy victorian rowhouse where he showcases classic & avant-garde films. Animation retrospectives are his speciality as are rare Salvador Dali prints. Come prepared for idiosyncratic lectures designed to expand your consciousness, sometimes delivered right while the movies are playing"

Having seen the posters all over town advertising everything from the Wizard of Oz set to the soundtrack of Pink Floyd to a talk entitled "how I got out of Mcmaster psychiatric hospital in one piece" my appetite had been suitably whetted, and when I read that review I knew it would be a case of when, not if, Reg & I met.

I returned to Toronto on Sunday, and the bus ride up was particularly strange, I caught the bus up with someone who I thought I would be having some very interesting conversations with about enlightenment, spirituality & philosophy, but due to a complicated tangle of our personal lives, and tiredness, that didn't really manifest. It left me feeling like we hadn't got the messages from each other we were meant to be getting & it left me feeling a bit empty if I'm honest.

So Monday was already a strange day, what with the echoes of Sunday in my mind, and being back in a city where I know relatively few people, plus staying at the Zen Buddhist Temple, which has a strange energy at times to say the least. It turned out to be an incredible day though, full of realisations, and it capped off with me attending Reg's talk on LSD. There was only three of us there, and after Reg's energy had ran out & he'd retired to bed I spent a further five hours with Bede, the other attendee, discussing the true meaning of enlightenment. I'm pretty sure we got it nailed, and it culminated in us walking around the streets of Toronto until 4am, in which time he managed to successfully explain the theory of relativity & how everything is only ever happening in the here & now to me, whilst I managed to explain to him how vital Eckhart Tolle is in the awakening of the masses, and how you shouldn't just wait for people to seek enlightenment, you have to give them pointers which they can follow at their own pace at the right time. Life-changing stuff.

One thing I learned that evening I found really interesting. Apparently when the Buddha reached enlightenment he was sitting under a fig tree, and at that time in his life he was living on mainly fermenting fruit. Fermenting fig skins may have the fungus that is a natural form of lysergic acid, otherwise known as LSD. So the experience of enlightenment may or may not have come from Siddartha Gautama tripping balls. Funny, they haven't mentioned THAT at the Zen temple...

CK's five favourite words

These are my friend Courtney's five favourite words. The man is a genius:

• monosyllabic
• abbreviation
• dyslexia
• phonetic
• lisp

think about them :-D

Support for a friend

phew here goes

I don't pretend to be an expert on this stuff so I'll share some of what has happened to me

Matt & I split up last year while we were in australia. I was halfway around the world without any friends or family anywhere near me, the longest I'd traveled alone was the odd week or so, and I hadn't really been single for very long for 6&1/2 years. I was terrified. I was in massive denial & thought Matt & I would sort things out, after a while apart, I was CONVINCED he was "the one" even though we were so different & argued constantly, looking back I was just so scared of the unknown. And terrified I'd never find anyone I'd want to be with so much. I went into a cycle of overeating & binge drinking, which were just me trying to cope, but I made some really good friends who really helped me & helped build my confidence that this feeling wouldn't last forever. I flirted with lots of unsuitable (and very young!) guys, & whilst I felt like a slapper that helped build my confidence that other people would find me attractive

Don't regret anything, you both made the right decisions at the time during your relationship, so don't regret doing or not doing anything or look back upon it as wasted time, just because it didn't work out. Honour & appreciate the time you had together while you come to the realisation that it's over now. Most people spend so long looking at the door that's just closed they don't notice the one that's just opened.

Right now you're in a highly emotional state, as you should be, if you weren't it wouldn't honour the beautiful time that you guys spent together. There will be plenty more beautiful times in your life. Plenty! Every time your mind tells you "I won't be doing this with X again" try repeating the mantra - "not helpful!" to help the painful thoughts ease. The book title "It's called a breakup because it was broken" spoke volumes to be, although I never actually read the book!

Grieve your relationship. Accept all the emotions you are feeling, they're completely natural. The brilliant thing is that going through this kind of pain brings out real creativity in us all, so channel it into something like writing, painting, drawing or music, it'll help release it. And try not to channel any negativity at X, as no matter what went on he'll be really hurting now too, even if he's not showing it.

Keep yourself busy, talk about it all, laugh as much as you can, even if it's through the tears. Things will get easier, day by day, this experience will make you a lot stronger & you will find an inner strength that you didn't realise you had. One day you'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore, and whilst it will take time to get to this point it will come sooner than you think

Now is the best time to get to know yourself, what YOU enjoy doing, how you like to spend you time, what floats your boat & where you want to take your life. There are so many advantages to being single so embrace them all, because it won't last forever

Look after no 1 because you deserve it. And don't forget how special no 1 is. I love you loads mate, and so do a lot of people xxxxx

******************

I just sat & wrote this to a friend whilst I was sitting at my desk "supposed" to be sitting writing my book, but struggling. Struggling with direction, content, the whole 9 yards. And yet this flowed so easily. This is the kind of writing I do best, empathy I guess. It still doesn't help me with direction, but there's a realization in there somewhere that I haven't fully understood yet & some direction too. Any pointers gratefully received!

Thought for the day

Inspiration can strike anywhere, especially when you are present in the moment & your mind isn't drifting, or as talking as incessantly loudly as usual anyway.

I was in Starbucks last week, writing & drinking tea, when I glanced at the side of the cup & saw The Way I See It #141. I liked it so much I tore it off the side of the cup (once I'd finished my yummy chai tea, naturally) & put it inside my journal, and I've just found it & really wanted to share it:

I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazilions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.

Food Matters

(07/08/08)

Last night I went to see the premier of 'Food Matters' at the Bloor Cinema, Toronto. I nearly didn't go, as at the last minute I assumed it wold be a dumbed down, Gillian McKeith style "burgers are bad, apples are good" preachy documentary, but something within me drove me on, and despite my achy thighs (very UNrock n roll story there) I walked down to Markham Village & got in line. And when I say in line the queue for the film was reaching around the block, and I first assumed it was the queue for a gig, or with Toronto & especially that area, being very pretty left of centre, that independent films always get that reception, but no, the locals were as surprised as I was.

The organisers were also pretty shocked at the turnout, they'd prepared information packs for 300 people, 600+ turned up, and the theatre was filled pretty much to capacity. Most of the audience, like myself, were pretty shocked, we'd all just assumed that, like ourselves, there would just be a few other carrot munchers in attendance & it would be an informative, yet unexciting evening.

How wrong we were. The auditorium was buzzing with electric excitement, and when the film started the anticipation was huge. It did not disappoint. The messages were incredibly clear, very well delivered by intelligent, charismatic & passionate healthcare professionals and extraordinarily empowering. The crux of it being, we all know we are what we eat, but how many of us (me included) realise the full extent of the damage we can do to ourselves with the wrong foods & traditional medicine, when we can treat every illness with the right diet.

Following on from the very powerful proof in the film of the power of diet in healing the body (be warned of a few graphic images) there was a Q&A, and many people stood up to testify that they've cured themselves of illnesses like Depression, ADD & Bipolar by focusing on diet. I personally know someone, and have read about many others, who have cured themselves of cancer this way. I personally believe that when it's your time to go it's your time, but why not give your body the best chance you can of longevity by taking care of it properly?

Many of you may have switched off already, it always shocks me at just how many people are in denial that they have full control over what goes into their body. I, for one, definitely do not always practice what I preach, but lately have been trying to listen more to what my body needs, rather than what my mind wants to eat, and it's surprising that after not long of REALLY listening to your body you realise it does really prefer raw fruit & veg to Sour Cream Pringles.

If these messages are resonating within you then PLEASE go onto the website: www.foodmatters.tv - the film is available to download for just US$5 - money well spent as it'll probably save you many times that in prescription fees :)

Thanks for listening to a ranty hippy, and take care of yourselves peeps :)

Slavery to Critical Mass...

(26/07/08)

On a day where Barack Obama is meeting Gordon Brown for the first time, I spent the afternoon at the British Commonwealth & Empire museum, and I realised just how far the world has come in such a short space of time. In the 200 years since slave trading was first abolished in Britain we now have an established multi-cultural society & the US is hopefully about to elect the first black president. I'll admit racism is not purely a problem of the past (for anyone kidding themselves it is, trying accompanying a black person or muslim to Devon for instance, seriously) but to think how far we've come in that time is awesome.

One of my big problems is I'm impatient & idealistic, I want all social injustices to be corrected instantly, but inherent ignorance, like racism, takes time to change. I think the key is educating our future generations of the stupidity of this ignorance, and informing them of the terrible atrocities of the past to help them avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

It also made me wonder, as a passionate supporter of animal rights, whether in another few hundred years, we'll have museums educating our citizens about the atrocities we're currently committing on our fellow sentient beings in the name of 'cheap' food & people will be wondering how it was ever allowed to happen, like we do about the slave trade now. I realise the slave trade still exists, but at least not on the vast scale it once did (remember the Morecombe bay cockle pickers?)

I first saw this proverb in Melbourne last year & it really resonated with me, about how money-orientated our society is:

Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.
- Cree Indian Proverb

The changes that have taken place in the last few hundred years made me think, all the pessimists out there that think the world cannot save itself, I have hope that they could be wrong. Sure, James Redfield in his Celestine Prophecy books paints a very idealistic view of the direction we're all taking, but I think we just need to educate people & drag them kicking & screaming out of their apathy. Life is the important thing. Not money. Not possessions. People need to look beyond their picket fence to the BIGGER PICTURE

I think we really could all be heading towards critical mass after all.

I'll get down off my high horse now, thanks for listening :)

I <3 Toronto

(03/08/08)

A friend I made in Argentina told me that he was looking for his own piece of paradise. Then a couple of weeks later he came out with the line "Utopias have to be created, not discovered" - which I found to be quite profound. Naturally these things are all subjective, but I now wonder if he couldn't find that little piece of heaven because he was already living there - Toronto.

I've only spent a week here so far, but it just keeps getting better & better! After visiting some of the greatest cities in the world I'm finding it the most livable thus far. Of course nowhere is going to beat the movie-set feel of New York City, or the Ancient architecture of Rome, or the buzzing latino culture of Buenos Aires, but Toronto is so vibrantly multi-cultural, it seems to encompass all of the amazing places I've been! Everyone seems to just get on. I took a ferry over to the Islands today for a Caribbean festival, and there were people of every background everywhere (much more evident even than in places like London or Birmingham) all pretty much in harmony, it felt like the place of the future. Plus recycling EVERYTHING & drinking tap water is actively advertised & encouraged. I even met someone yesterday whose company pay him a bonus if he promises not to use his car for 90 days. Now THAT is forward thinking. Oh and it's a bilingual city. Sigh :)

Kensington market in the city feels like my personal utopia. It's VERY vegan-friendly; full of arty, spiritual & open-minded people; it is close to areas of the city with pockets of immigrants from every culture from Portugal to Japan, and everywhere in between; it has an awesome university; great & cheap fruit & veg markets; a politically active scene; alternative therapies; parks; a Zen temple, churches AND a synagogue; some great street-art (seems rare in Toronto) Latin-American shops (who can live without mate once they've tried it?!); thrift/secondhand stores aplenty that are actually priced cheaply, not priced for Patricia Field, a la NYC & it has a real community feel. And it's cheap.

I'm currently thinking when I stop my nomadic ways, this is somewhere I'd like to, visa allowing, settle for a few years. The only thing I can see becoming an issue are the winters. The temperature drops to a 'chilly' -30 at times. Yowser, pass the thermals. Mind you, I do like a place with amazing seasons :)

Embracing Zen

(today!)

Well hello there.

For the past few months I've been feeling like I really needed to detox my mind, body & spirit, but am generally not in one place for long enough, let alone have enough time & space to dedicate to this, as I'm always staying with friends or family, where it's rude to just shut yourself away, or in a hostel, where it's damn impossible & everyone is up partying!

I had my reiki I attunation just over 3 weeks ago, and since then my body seems to have gone on a massive healing journey, and I feel a lot more sensitive - to foods, medicines, moods, auras, everything really. As a result I've been drawn to eating really healthily again, I've hardly drunk any alcohol (especially considering my old partying ways of January-March) & have been getting plenty of fresh air & exercise.

It has felt great, and I have addressed quite a few of my issues and had quite a few realisations, but I've come across a big one. I am STILL listening to my mind/ego chatter. A lot. Over the last week or so particularly this ego chatter has got more & more negative (it's been particularly triggered by a couple of people's attitudes towards me, but if I wasn't listening to it then that would've been water off a duck's back like usual)

It's been something I've been meaning to look into for a while now, but I've only discovered in the last few weeks the purpose of meditation - to learn to quieten the mind. So I'm here in Toronto, and I discover that the Zen Buddhist temple is running a beginner's introduction to Zen & meditation - this very weekend. So I show up to register & discuss, it sounds perfect, and the monk who runs the Temple invites me to stay in the temple instead of my hostel (which was full this weekend anyway, I was needing new accomodation!). He shows me around, and gives me a gorgeous apartment, all to myself (nicknamed the Penthouse!), for the measly sum of $200 a week! (just over a hundred pounds). Not only do I have this big inspiring space all to myself, I have a double bed (luxury!) & the fire escape doubles as a little balcony from which I can sit & see the whole city lit up at night (a perfect view of the CNN tower!) & black squirrels come & play on it in the day! The power of synchronicity & the universe have outdone themselves this time :)

The night before I moved into the temple I did a couple of zen tarot card readings. The crux of them was that I'm about to go through a massive emotional journey but it'll help with everything, esp my creativity. I emailed a friend to tell her all about this & told her "I'll get ready to expose my soul to myself & batten down the hatches for a week. I should be really scared about the rollercoaster I really feel I'm on the brink of, but I'm just excited about how I'll come out the other side..."

Well after one day I'm finding it REALLY difficult. I think I'm in a healing crisis at the moment. I'm very very tired, emotional & feeling negative (the negativity especially is not like me). However, I'm doing my best to embrace these emotions, accept them, and keep going. I feel like I'm being judged here at the temple too, for being so western, which is ridiculous as that's so "un-zen" - it's me projecting my views & expectations onto the others I imagine. However, the monk is a little unhelpful, but he's like that with everyone.

I was woken at 6.30 this morning (and they gave me a lie-in - everyone else rose at 5!), right now it's 10.30am & I'm tired & lethargic, tearful & emotional. Still, I guess that proves it's working! I'm going to try not to be to hard on myself, read lots, go on some long walks, try & make myself laugh & smile a fair bit, drink a lot of water, and take it easy. After all, it's best that I'm feeling like this, if I felt fantastic then I wouldn't feel the effects of starting this meditation practice so much would I?! :-)

I guess they do need to think about this...

(30/07/08)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2000/feb/24/spaceexploration.internationalnews1

So they can't do "missionary", I have a morbid curiosity to know which positions they could manage though don't you?!

(and the earth moving pun was fully justified I reckon)

How superawesome is THIS?!

(30/07/08)

http://www.siliconvalley.com/ci_10019766?sr=hotnews

This has got me very excited. I'm currently downloading lecture 1, can't wait to get stuck in. I've wanted to study at UCal for about 6 months now, so to be able to have a slice of it for FREE!!!! Amazing :)

Day 1 - Toronto

(29/07/08)

So I woke up this morning, feeling very grumpy, a bit lonely (after being back in Brizzle for AN AGE it feels weird to be back on the road again without my old mates around me) & just generally down. Oh no, I couldn't even make myself smile that I'm in one of the world's most cultured cities. Luckily after a Facebook chat with celebrity blog reader Ferny L (you know who you are) & a swift word with myself I extracted myself from my bed (yep internet chattage was conducted in my bunk, you've GOT to love Wi-fi!) & went about my day.

After a brief wander around the shops (fab, fab, fab!) I took myself off on a hike of the forests & ravines a little way out of the city centre. I hiked for a few hours, collected my thoughts, sat by a lilypad-filled pool & watched the butterflies, fish, dragonflies & turtles all going about their business and breathed in the rays of sunshine. I listened to the wise old words of Chris Martin (I know Coldplay are very commercial, but get over your snobbishness & recognise his lyrics for the poetry they really are) & read some of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth & realised I've just been listening to my ego a bit too much recently, without even realising.

This ongoing journey to enlightenment is a long slow one for most of us I reckon, but life does seem to get easier everyday for me personally, and I'm getting to know myself better each day. I'm finding lots more to work on, however these are 'improvement opportunities'! :-D

Although I've only been here for 24 hours I think I'm starting to fall in love with Canada already. The wildlife is incredible (today I discovered black squirrels, I didn't even know they EXISTED!), the people are very chilled & they're really into protecting the environment, recycling & healthy eating. AND they have polar bears here. Is this paradise?

I've just discovered us Brits can get a working holiday visa until we're 35. I think I may have found my next destination after Australia. AWESOME!!!

Excess baggage

(28/07/08)

I'm currently sat at Bristol airport, I fly to Toronto in a couple of hours. I like to travel with quite a few books (and shoes) and normally get around stingy luggage allowances (and in-flight boredom) by stuffing my carry-on items with books. However I am flying with a new "low-cost" airline, who have obviously got wise to cheeky travelers like me & unbeknownst to me they weigh your hand luggage too, and include it in the weight allowance....doh!

I got charged a *fairly hefty* (to someone currently without an income anyway) fee for my excess 10kgs...My pleas that I probably weigh 10kgs less than the average passenger fell on deaf, but smiling ears....worth a try anyway ;)

An interesting discussion...

..come join it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADU5QhImzsU

(28/07/08)

Feedback

(21/07/08)

I have recently been concerned about one of my friends. He's a really nice guy, a couple of his mates even describe him as the nicest man on earth. He makes a lot of videos & puts them on YouTube & his editing skills are fantastic, but I have been worried that his sense of self-worth rests almost entirely on the feedback he receives on the videos which, in my opinion, is largely bland at the best of times.

I strongly believe that we're all on a journey of self-improvement & that is what life is about. I may be wrong about this. And to me one of the ways to improve is to seek out feedback from others, no matter how painful it may be, and to try & take it objectively & look at how you can improve as a result. Take this blog. I guess my mission statement for it (yes I used to work for a big profit-making organisation, the clues are there if you look for them) is to get my thoughts & emotions out of my head, the purpose of showing them to others is to show people that they're not the only people that think that way (it's still a revelation to me when I realise other people assume they've been going quietly mad too because nobody else admits about feeling a certain way) & it's also a bit of a test bed to see what others think of my writing style. I've been quite honest about the fact that I don't think I'm the next Shakespeare, but I do think I have some important messages to get across.

My concerns about my friend are that I think that the Youtube community he's involved with can be quite sycophantic. I was worried that he was taking his feeling of self-worth from these people, who give very unconstructive feedback such as "loved it, keep up the good work". This subject turned into a debate in the pub last night between three of us, and a friend & I realised that we very much wanted the film-maker to be seeking out constructive feedback from people, yet we didn't do the same about our writing.

So here goes. I would like feedback from anyone who has been reading this blog. I'm looking for whatever feedback you want to give me. I will do my best to read it objectively. It's really important to me. Feel free to leave it on the comments section of the blog or send it to me on facebook or email. I appreciate total & brutal honesty, in fact I may even buy you a drink when I see you to show how much I do appreciate it. Thank you :)

The Fury

(08/07/08)

In A Million Little Pieces James Frey refers to his as The Fury. Eckhart Tolle refers to it as the Ego, others call it the Storyteller. Whatever you want to call that inner voice within us, that wreaks havoc on our self-esteem & confidence, and makes us behave strangely when we're scared, we all have it.

Eckhart Tolle's philosophy is to realise that this voice is not actually you, but something separate that feeds on your pain, and as soon as you start to observe it & recognise that it isn't you it will start to disappear. I am normally quite good at observing mine & realising my destructive thought patterns are down to my ego, but currently I'm struggling.

Sometimes in life it feels like things are going too well & something is a little bit too perfect. Add some alcohol to the mix & suddenly that Fury buried deep within you will start to actively sabotage things. It makes you act in the weirdest of ways, to try & destroy the great things you have - because after all - it thinks you don't deserve your current luck.

Take last week - I had a few days that were simply some of the most incredible of my whole life. I'm not going to go into details, just take it from me, they couldn't have been more perfect. I could feel the Fury start to fire up within me, start the doubting process once more that there *must* be another explanation, things weren't what they seemed because how could they be? I don't deserve things to be this good! Once those doubts have started to creep in, you start looking for things to prove those doubts, and if you look hard enough you may be able to convince yourself they're there.

It's only once you've let the Fury kick in & the pain has already been caused that you realise that things were actually what they seemed, before you let vindictive Mr Fury join the party. But now he has he will have invoked his Furious friends in the bodies of those you've upset. A vicious circle indeed.

And now the Fury in me won't let me have a moment's peace. Not only is he telling me over & over what I did wrong & how I was an idiot, but he won't let me sleep, smile or laugh. And that's exactly what he wants, and I know this, but I can't seem to break the destructive thought pattern. He's telling me over & over that I always drive people away, I'm not worth sticking around, everyone always leaves in the end.

I mustn't let him win. But right now it's 2.30am, I have another bout of insomnia (partially caused by bad jet-lag ettiquette) & I'm fighting a losing battle. I know I'm not the only person to have ever felt this way, people have done a LOT worse than the stupidly idiotic thing I did and in time this feeling will pass. Right now though I feel like my soul will never stop aching.

An open letter to a friend

(30/06/08)

I was so excited to meet you
You were a gorgeous, fun, breath of fresh air when we met.
We had so much fun & I cherish the time we spent together.
You're so young. And so insecure.
There's no need.
You're beautiful, on the inside & out.
You seek your validation in yourself from others
Most people do.
Please remember - you are unique. Do not compromise who you are to please others.
You'll only hate them for it in the long run.
Find your peace of mind.
Search your soul to find the truths you know to be true.
If other people don't accept you for who you are then fuck them - find people that do. It says more about them than it does about you.
Value those around you. Don't be jealous or competitive with them. That's just your insecurity manifesting itself.
Live each day as if it's your last.
Find peace in yourself and it all becomes so much easier.

Honesty - the best policy?

(30/06/08)

For quite a while now I've tried to be as open, honest & transparent as possible with people, whilst not always easy, it strikes me as the best thing to do.

At times it is difficult, but generally the results are that you get honesty back & more open relationships with everyone concerned. The friendships based on this seem to be a lot deeper & a lot more fulfilling. I think as long as you have the trust that things are being said without hidden agenda & come from a place of love then it is the best policy.

Two things I have stumbled across this week have affirmed this stance. The first was a quote by awesome street philosopher De La Vega (see the link to his website under things I like):

"It's better to lose people with the truth than to keep them with lies"

and the next from the tenth insight of the Celestine Prophecy:

"Emotional clearing cannot begin until we come totally back to love. The key is to acknowledge the emotion, to become fully conscious of the feeling, and then to share it honestly, no matter how awkward our attempts. This brings emotion fully into present awareness & ultimately allows it to be relegated to the past, where it belongs. That's why going through the sometimes long process of saying it, discussing it, putting it on the table clears us, so that we're able to return to love, which is the highest emotion"

Phew. It's working for me, but James Redfield is definitely accurate when he describes attempts to do this awkward! In my experience though it's definitely worth persisting!

Hurt

(19/06/08)

I've just watched the video for Johnny Cash's Hurt. Apparently Bono called the song the greatest piece of art from the 20th century. I'm not usually a fan of Bono, he's a little bit too smug for my liking, but the man has a point.

The thing I love about music is the way a song can just encapsulate exactly how you are feeling at a moment in time & bring all this emotion to the forefront.

I've been doubting recently that somebody appreciates me, I have been really focusing on this person, who does not seem to realise how lucky they are to have me in their life. This may sound vain, it's not meant to be, part of earning a healthy self-esteem is to appreciate yourself for who you are.

I've noticed I seem to lose myself when I am romantically interested in somebody, I stop being true to myself & want to change to please them. I definitely need to address this as this smacks to me of not being comfortable that I'm lovable as I am. Intellectually I know this to be true, but I don't think I've grasped it emotionally yet.

The last line of the Sex and the City movie, which I adored so much, was "Love is finding someone who loves the you that you love" I think I could do with keeping that in the forefront of my mind at all times.

My Friend John

(29/04/08)

I've just received a phone call from New York.
One of my friends, John, killed himself last Thursday.
I knew all day my friend Dominic was trying to get hold of me, and I just knew in my heart John was dead.
He was brilliant, funny, intelligent, talented, self-deprecating & had a huge heart.
We used to talk for hours about philosophy, psychology & spirituality in little bars in the East Village.
The last time I saw him he introduced me to his new girlfriend Jen & the two of them seemed so lovely together. He'd taken her for lunch in his favourite chocolate restaurant earlier in the day, and after we shared some beers brewed by trappist monks we went off for fries at a dive joint, we laughed & laughed, and when I walked them back to Penn station I had no idea it would be the last time I would see him.
He was such a great man, and I feel so sad that he reached such a place of darkness that suicide felt like his only option.
I had an email from him just the day before he died & he was telling me exactly how he was pulling his life together, he sounded in such a good happy place.
But none of us know how low we can get until it happens, and I think he just couldn't pull himself out that one last time.
I can't be at the wake tonight in person, but I'm there in spirit
And in heaven tonight they will be drinking beer, eating chocolate & celebrating the arrival of my beautiful friend John. May he rest in peace.

Philosophy & Cocktails

(24/04/08)

So last night my friend & I had a great discussion after a cocktail or two...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tuh5l5sgKro

If you watch it leave us some comments :)

Turning back the clock

(17/04/08)

A video has just been posted on You Tube - a collection of individuals from different parts of the world all talking about "The one thing I wish I'd have known at high school"
It's been made as part of a project for kids currently at high school, and it's pretty powerful stuff.
It made me think.
There are a few things I wish I'd have known.

I guess the key ones are:
* It takes more courage to admit you don't know or don't understand something than pretend you do
* The popular kids are just as self-conscious as everyone else
* We are all just a product of our pasts. If people are horrible to you it says more about them than it does about you

It generally takes us a long time to work this stuff out, but the process of working it all out makes us who we are too. If I could go back & tell myself these things at school I don't know if I would, because finding this stuff out by myself has made me who I am. Awesome project though, fucking awesome.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0h2CsNFrCrs (ok so the backing track makes it seem a bit trite but the messages are great)

Moderately rainy days in a somewhat flawed mind

(13/04/08)

Sometimes you can live your own life asleep, just going from one place to another, completely asleep, completely unconscious. Sometimes something will wake you for a second, like a piece of art or some natural beauty. Most people live for their holiday every year because it's when they start to feel alive, it takes them away from their daily grind, the things that they can do & do do with their eyes closed. The holiday feels like the most incredible thing ever, because they're suddenly a new person, the only baggage they're carrying is the stuff they pick off the airport carousel, and they can be who they want to be. They live for every minute, they eat, drink & laugh with abandon & when it's over they dread going back to their unconscious lives. But when they get home they fall back into unconsciousness again, so it doesn't matter, they don't understand WHY it's different.

I was asleep for the best part of 28 years, I spent my whole life being paranoid about what people thought of me, and so identified with my ego, so scared of being hurt I developed elaborate coping mechanisms that I thought would get me through life, became so dependent on people or things and was deeply entrenched in egoic behaviour. Only now do I now realise that.

Awakening can bring with it as many "problems' as it solves, but you really start to appreciate things as they really are. If people were just honest with each other & just communicated honestly there would be less anger, resentment & game playing in the world. I need to be really honest with somebody I really care about. And I'm scared, I'm really scared. But it's not as scary as not being honest.

Becoming philosophical can create problems. All my life I dreamed of meeting a prince who could whisk me away from everything & take care of me. I now know I don't actually want that. Are childhood fairy tales to blame for that? What are relationships, really? Aren't they just two co-dependant people hoping the other one will solve all their problems for them? What is love? Is it just obsession? But despite wondering these things I still believe in conscious honest relationships. However I believe nobody but yourself can make you truely happy & other people can only enrich that happiness you've achieved alone. I definitely believe in love though. Definitely. And I've had some amazingly philosophical conversations this week with someone who comes across as the most embittered person sometimes, he's never had a girlfriend, and doesn't want one, doesn't ever want a romantic relationship. Even he wants other people to have them & believes they can make other people happy/happier. I hope for his sake he one day changes his mind & opens his heart. Other people are amazing.

This has been inspired by me watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. This quote jumped out at me as absolutely beautiful: "I'm high maintenance so I'm not going to tiptoe around your marriage or whatever you've got going on there...if you wanna be with me you're with me...too many guys think I'm a concept, or, I complete them or I'm gonna make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind, don't assign me yours"

The first time I watched this movie I was unconscious. I didn't concentrate. I spent the whole time entrenched in my ego, thinking how my ex-boyfriend, who I was watching it with, would not need his memory wiped when we split as he wasn't emotionally attached to our relationship. I now realise that was purely my ego talking, and not accurate at all.

This time I was conscious. It is a breathtaking film. I would recommend everyone to go out & watch it right now, even if you've seen it before. And stay conscious. And then tell all the people you love that you love them, including their faults. Especially their faults. Just accept them. And make sure they know.

SPEAK OUT!

(19/03/08)

Last night I went to the "Speak Up" - peace in Iraq & justice at home gig. I feel honoured to have spent a few hours in the presence of some of the most incredibly talented people I have ever witnessed

First of all the line-up was fabulous. Amongst many talented others there was Norah Jones, Moby, Lou Reed, Damien Rice, the Scissor Sisters & Antony "off of" Antony & the Johnsons

Secondly the venue was 600 capacity, and by sheer fluke, and a kind man taking pity on me for being a short-arse I was pretty much at the front.

The Scissor Sisters were awesome. Ana Matronic is just an incredible woman, full of vibrant confident female energy, and a really good balance to the fabulously flamboyant Jake, who dressed in a neon lime green suit with pink and white striped shirt and was all teeth and jazz hands, and utterly fabulous. There were two moments of pure genius during their set: when they came on and Ana said "we're the Scissor Sisters, but for tonight we're called Don't ask don't tell" and when they performed "I love a man in uniform" Legends.

Damien Rice. I'd never been too interested in him or his music, but man is he talented. He turned off all the mics and just came to the front of the stage playing his acoustic guitar & singing into the crowd for Cannonball. You could've heard a pin drop. The lyrics & melodies just came alive and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. And on a shallow level one of the most attractive things I've ever seen :)

Norah Jones sang a very witty self-penned song about election time. In real life she is the most beautiful woman I ever seen, and coupled with a voice & talent like that the girl is incredible.

Moby. I'm on record saying I think Moby is awesome, and when I saw him DJ his passion for music really came across, but not as much as when he was playing live last night. What a bloke.

You Tube this woman - Laurie Anderson - she's incredible: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvhfSH9CbCw She performs with such light, wit & charisma. A true star.

There were so many amazing moments, like meeting some really enlightened people, who weren't interested in their egos, just the greater good of human kind. Being among like-minded motivated people. Seeing Jake Shears, Ana Matronic, Norah Jones & Damien Rice backing singing for David Byrne. Lou Reed.

The highlight for me personally though was Anthony. What an enlightened & complex individual, at once so troubled but so evolved. He was so moving when he talked about his life and his beliefs with such honesty - he opened himself up completely to the audience in such a trusting manner & when he spoke about the emotions he went through as a New Yorker in the days after September 11th, it was so raw & so moving, he had the whole audience holding their breath . He spoke about his experience of being in New York at that time and how the experience felt not just on an emotional level, but on a physical level too, breathing in the smoke & pollution caused by the collapsed towers. The one thing that really stuck in my mind was how he was saying how this war has exploited New Yorkers in particular as in those few days after 911 when he was walking around the streets he said "funny, nobody talked about revenge, nobody talked about how we should kill a whole bunch of people to make ourselves feel better"

The message of the evening was about educating yourself, and others, and how speaking out about injustice is so important. We know we don't hear the true messages through the media outlets and so it's important to find out the facts for yourself. Please take the time to find out the truth for yourself. These websites can help:

www.ivaw.org/wintersoldier
www.5yearstoomany.org
www.unitedforpeace.org
I would highly recommend everyone to watch this film too. It's not easy viewing, but very informative : http://thewartapes.com/trailer/

Peace people x

Life, it's dead good really

(written 24/02/08)

Life

Man it rocks, I love it!

Running from the real world or living alternatively? That's the question of the moment. This week I have been accused of running from reality. From someone who will remain unnamed here, but naturally they are not giving an unbiased point of view - that person personally would prefer me to be in the UK than in New York. That aside, it really made me think, and rightly too.

So apparently I'm still running. So if I'm not living in the real world where am I living? Is New York City some kind of alternate universe? It may feel like it sometimes but I'm pretty sure I haven't plunged down a rabbit hole just yet. So why am I not in the real world? Is my life too decadent to count as real life? Does real life only kick in once I'm miserable and working every hour that god sends? Is the purpose of life to be a wage slave & to be spending every waking moment trying to earn enough money to pay a mortgage, get a bit higher on the old property ladder and to buy some identikit designer clothing to look like everyone else? Am I in denial about having opted out of the ratrace & I should go back? Is jealousy the motivation behind why people say these things, is it fear that they want to think outside the box too but are too scared or am I genuinely in denial & being utterly irresponsible currently? I have abandoned my career, sold my home & am living pretty much hand to mouth. Oh and I'm about to give away my furniture. I live & work in a hostel, I have very little private space. I am really happy.

So...that begs the age old question.... what IS the purpose of life? A lot of people seem to think the purpose of life is to become as rich as possible. Then what? In the time you're trying to get rich, you're planning when life is going to start, and how amazing it will be. How do you know when you're rich enough? Will you ever be? Then what? Or you'll do something when you've lost 'the weight'. How about you start living now? Controversial I know, but we don't live in the past, we don't live in the future, we live in this moment RIGHT NOW. If I can be happy right now, without jeopardising my future, what harm does that hold? Human beings are conditioned to delay gratification, why? If you can be happy right now not later why not just DO IT!!! Any of us could be knocked down by a bus tomorrow and none of this is a dress rehearsal. Just don't use it as an excuse not to deal with the mundane or plan either. You still need to do the washing up, but if you're genuinely happy the mundane doesn't feel so dreary anymore, everything becomes just a bit more fun you know? :)

So my first blog, for a while anyway, I wanted to be some absolute comedy gold with some hulaaaaarious anecdotes but instead it's been some rant about being happy & about how we should all allow ourselves to be. But in fact, is that not a fundamental human right? Really the only person stopping us is ourselves if you think about it.

Closed-minded people don't make me angry, they make me sad. They're so scared of what they might find out....gosh, you never know, they might have to question themselves, their ego & even, wow, change how they live their lives....well fuck. You might not want to go through any of that, changing is really difficult and fucking hideous to do but if you can be happy at the end of it - is it not worth a try? What do you actually have to lose?

I believe it's naive to think the human race is at the peak of our evolution right now, there are so many things that are unexplained, so much about ourselves we haven't worked out. Look how fucking powerful we are if we only use this small percentage our our brains, aren't you excited about what else we can do? And when you tap into the rest....wow... even science & spirituality are coming together right now & it looks like the human race is on the verge of a new exciting age of discovery.

Isn't evolving our species to a higher state of consciousness a bit more exciting than the latest ferrari? Isn't that worth a bit more than stashing your readies away to get yourself a bigger house or a new fancy car? Sure it's taken me a fucking long time to get to this point but I am genuinely really happy, with few possessions and no 'fixed' abode. Why don't we all just try & be better people & use our minds for positive advancement & not selfish gain. Just be a genuinely nice, thoughtful person for a day & see if it makes you feel better than the feeling of having a nice shiny new toy. If it doesn't, fair enough (are you sure?). But has anyone seen that cheesy pay it forward film? They've got a point...

Oh and when you're being that nice person, don't let your ego run away with you & get all high & mighty that you're so enlightened to be helping people, because once you start feeding your ego (and man they are hungry badboys) it becomes all about you again....the selfishness kicks in....and you start to want nice new things for yourself or to tell people just how GREAT you are - to make yourself feel good...

ok whacked out hippy ramble over - be nice everyone because I reckon it can make you so much happier than buying stuff - just be nice kids.

PS Somebody please remind me of all of this next time I'm doing a trolley dash in Primark going "oh look at this top 3 quid - I'll have one in every colour" ;)

Oh and none of this comes from an ivory tower - I'm a right bitch a lot of the time & if anyone gives away my shoes or my lego bracelet I'll kill 'em :) and I have seriously considered applying for a big city job again this week! I'm not going to judge anyone, or I'll try anyway, like we all should. If you're happy however you life your life, genuinely happy (and you never get that empty feeling deep inside where you think 'is this it?') then amazing!!! Tell other people how!!! If we can all be happier then isn't that what it's all about?

Peace people :)

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I'm about to post some old blogs, then I'll get on with some new stuff. Ok! Leave me some comments if you're reading this stuff :)