?

Much has been written about what-ifs. The plots of many films have been based upon the same scenarios panning out in different ways, and I'm sure we've all wondered at some point if there's another dimension playing out where we made a difficult decision differently.

I've always thought in the face of these thoughts that I always made the best decision I could at the time and have tried not to regret anything, but I've really been made to think today.

It's been pointed out to me on more than one occasion, and again today, that to minimise any potential risk I always enter into relationships that are quite obviously doomed from the start. This sounds quite crazy, but this is unconscious behaviour at work, which doesn't ever make too much sense to our rational conscious brains.

At some level I must have a fear of being loved & accepted which means I pick relationships that are guaranteed to fail & I already know that on some level. Pretty scary stuff. And pretty accurate if any of my previous turmoils are known to readers out there.

It was also pointed out to me that there was somebody who didn't fit that mould, somebody who I'd been seeing who seemed pretty perfect & I pushed them away as hard as I could. I'd long ago categorised that relationship as 'wasn't meant to be' in my mental filing cabinet. Naturally all the memories have come flooding back tonight & it's got me thinking hard about why I pushed this person away & whether it was the right thing to do.

I've always trusted life to unfold as it should, and to start doubting that has left me quite frankly shaken. Is it possible to fall off the path you're meant to be following? Does this path even exist or is are we just trying to find reason in the chaos for the things that happen in the world? This week's events in Haiti have found me more likely to fall on the 'there is no God' side of the fence for the first time, and that in itself saddens me deeply.

I guess there's a lot to question and not always a lot of answers. One thing I do know though - if God does exist he should be recruiting some less loony spokespeople that Stephen 'bonkers' Baldwin. And I for whatever reason seem to have appalling taste in men.